zimon66 | (no subject)

The one thing that I want more than anything is to get in touch with myself - it's buried deep inside out of reach - have tried many times and in many ways to bridge the gap, but zip. Realized, one day, that going it alone was the problem, I needed help.

Problem was finding the right somebody - it kills me, seeing others find their teachers/guides/close friends/etc., and nobody "clicking" with me.

Then, it looked as if I found a helpmate - it was rocky at times, many times with rollar-coaster feelings and thoughts, but I was oddly enough quietly content, that was a good feeling to have. Finally, I had a chance at getting what I wanted for so long. Plus, I was helping back - a win/win situation, in spite of the craziness, for both involved.

Usually try to keep myself from getting too excited (as in "happy") about things, that way I won't be disappointed in case things don't work out.

Didn't do that this time - in shock right now so not yet feeling the full extent of crushing disappointment. Am quietly crying in grief for myself, the pain of loosing.

When Life hands you lemons - look down at them and wonder what it was that you did that was so bad to be punished like this.

I'll live of course, more scars added, but very much alive and trying to go it alone again.

Keep the pity and need to comfort to yourselves - I wrote what I did because this is a journal afterall.